hate, uncertainty,and burning love
by genripper
Summary: a multi chapter athrun shinn fic *warning* last chapter extreamly graphic and detailed read at your own discression.
1. Chapter 1

Ya know it is rather hard sometimes to gauge how to continue writing when so few of you comment. But hay at least your reading that puts you at the head of the class…..you are reading this aren't you? Well enjoy in any case. Also this will be my first athrun shin fic, I don't feel the same connection that athrun kira share but here it is anyway.

Hate, uncertainty, and a burning love

I resented the living hell out of athrun. He fought against us in the past war, disappeared with out a trace, and then like magic reappeared and was not only welcomed back but promoted and made a member of faith. Then to add insult to injury, they put him on the ship as me. And I constantly let him know I wasn't happy about it.

Yet there was something about him that made me question myself. I never questioned my ability as a combat pilot, what I questioned was on a far more personal level than I was comfortable admitting even to myself.

When we weren't arguing and screaming at each other, he was actually a nice guy. He truly did have a kind heart, soulful eyes, warm smile…..ah damn it i am doing it again. Alright yes I think he is good looking, and he makes it so damn easy to fall for him what a basturd he is sometimes. To have all of those looks and a killer body to boot, yet he seems oblvuios to them never uses them to his advantage. It is painfully obvious that people like him and want to be with him, yet he never seems to notice. That is what irrataets me the most, I think that's why I agrue to death with him all the time. If I don't argue with him I might just telll him how I truly feel about him.

I have never had problems getting a girl if I wanted her. I really never considered them anything more then a vessel to stratify a psyical need or just general freands. Nor have I ever really considered guys for anything more than frends. Then why is it now that I develop these feeling for a guy that up the very moment I met him I hated. Its not like I have never seen a picture of him before we all have, he is a living legend in the plants. It wasn't till you meet him in person that you noticed a certain aura about him. It leads me to believe that there was more than meets the eye when it comes to athrun.

I certainly have never backed down from a challenge and I don't intend to now. I will find out the secrets the guy is hiding, and if I find out he is still a traitor than I will pull the trigger my self, I am a loyal soldier despite what ever other feelings I have for him.


	2. Chapter 2

Yes I know it was a short chapter but I decided to make it a multi chapter fic so enjoy it over several chapters…ok ok really I just don't have the time to write a real in depth one shot so easier to do it in multi chapter updates. Enjoy

Hate, uncertainty, and a burning love 2

This is really a hell of an uncertain time for me. Everyone I love keeps turning away from me. I am actually scared to let someone else in, I don't think I could take another let down.

First it was kira are on off on and off again love affair since the time we were young, That never really came to an end but were at a point in our lives were not sure if that the kind of life we wanted.

So we each found someone else kira fell for my old arranged marriage fling laycus and I Ironically I ended up with kira's sister cagalli. Then she betrayed me and got ingaugeded to some paper pusher who would put his own dick in a pencil sharpener if he thought it would make him more efficient.

There is no real shortage in people who are interested in me, the problem is with me. I don't want to be hurt again and of all people to catch my eye another boy. Shin is with out a doubt a good looking guy. Defiantly not the kind of aptitude and personality I usually like. My attraction to him is simply physical.

I hide my feelings from him by constantly arguing to him, not only is he cute when he is mad but he is so easy to provoke. Well just because i am hiding my heart from the world at the moment doesn't mean I can't have a little fun here and there.

The only issue is that he doesn't exactly take the hint to keep his distance. I find he keeps staring at me, and probing not only into my past but my activities on board the ship. I need to watch my step around him with out making it to noticeable to him and others.

Oh how I miss cagalli, kira, and lyacus. We all might not lead the most desirable or exciting lives to the naked eye, but we fought and earned it for our selves and the only comfort we truly had was that we thought we could always rely on each other. Even though things have gone a bit pair shaped lately a part of me still believes I can count on them, even if we all have chosen different paths to find a solution to this war.


	3. Chapter 3

Welcome to chapt 3 don't worry it develops more along the way so just hang in there and keep reading.

Hate, uncertainty, and burning love

I spent a lot of my free time alone, diving into athrun's past. There was a mass wealth of information on him, yet there were also huge peaces missing. Large blocks of time were missing from his file. This was either that no one knows what happen during that time, or it was deleted by the military, perhaps even a bit of both.

It wasn't surprising that information was missing. Personal where not always tracked either by a logistical impossibility or due to black operations. And by the end of the war the atrocities committed by both sides were so horrendous that both side opted for deletion of the accounts and covered it all up to prevent scandals down. Oh the people who were there can talk all they want but with out proof and written accounts there was nothing but baseless accusations.

This of course was so maddening that I actually called a new friend for help and advice. I actually called the chairman; I was nearly shitting my self when he came on the screen. I told him I was looking into athrun's past and large sections were missing and wanted to know if the military had sealed some of his records

He stared at me and asked me why I was looking into him with out his knowledge.

I stopped for a second and had to formulate an answer that would sound stupid or tell him the truth. Then it came to me, I told him that he and I were having personal issues and thought if I understood athrun's past I might be able to relate to him somehow and try to build a better working relationship.

The chairman didn't seem to buy that but let it slide. He told me there was a lot of athrun's past that was deleted at the end of the war, and a lot of time and accounts that remain unknown. Especially the time when he returned to earth with the justice and ended up joining the archangel. The personal and individual reasons the archangel was fighting still are a mystery to both sides. Now the fact that they are fighting again makes it a priority to gather as much information as possible. He gave me a few tad bits and asked me to keep working to get close to athrun and find out all I could then the screen went blank.

All this filled in a few blanks but created so many more it made my head hurt. The chairman's request was yet another issue. How on earth could he do this? After all the fighting between them and the fact I really liked him.

As far as I could tell there were only two ways at hand that could possibly work. But those two are my last resorts I want to find out more about his friend what was his name?

I think I'll sleep on it decide by best course of action with fresh eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

So what ya think? Dose it peak an interest? Dose it seem like a possibility? If not then stop reading if it dose by all means continue, lol.

Hate, uncertainty, burning love

I was sitting in the chow hall drinking some strong black coffee, old habits from hanging around Andrew waltfelt for all that time. When a slender figure stood in front of me…..

Commander, do u have a minute? I would like to talk with about something.

I raised my eyebrow and motioned for him to take a seat, and then I set my cup down and looked at him carefully. This wasn't the same shinn I was used to; there was a strange not quite fear more of a nervous vibe radiating from him. I asked him what he wanted to talk with me about.

His eyes looked away when he said

"I would like to know more about your past, I know we haven't seen eye to eye on a lot of things. I think that it might have to do with what has happened in our pasts I would like to know your past to try and understand you."

I was truly shocked. I knew something like this would happen eventually. This was different then the others asking me about past battles. This was differant this was reviling me not a tactic or strategy, and a chow hall wasn't the place to have this kind of conversation.

I asked him to follow me to my quarters; at least there we could have some privacy. The look on his face was like someone asking you out on your first date. I have to admit I was nervous as hell myself, I hope I can keep my composure being in such close quarters with him.

When we reached my quarters I offered him a seat. I then asked him what is the real reason for this sudden interest. I could see his defenses go up with a slight stiffness to his back.

If you don't want to tell me then why the hell did you ask me here?

Shinn if you can't be honest with me how can I be with you?

I am being honest if your twisted mind wants to make more of it than that, then that your problem. Hell if your mind is like that i am surprised u didn't ask me in here to seduce me.

I sat calmly in the chair and uttered only three words very flat and evenly spoken

….maybe I did…..

That completely threw him off his track. He stood his mouth open, his eyes wide. I couldn't help but let a small smile emerge on my face.

His speech stammered as he spoke,

You're not serious, are you?

Well shinn what if I am? After all you're not lacking in the looks department.

…I can't…..you are serious aren't you…..

It was do or die time, do I back down? And I will never get this chance again or do I go for broke…

…yes I am, I think you're a thick headed individual however I find you strangely beautiful.

…..I can't believe your saying this….I can't believe this is happening

Why now? Why would you all of a sudden tell me this?

You want to get to know me that might involve learning things about me that you might not like.

That wasn't what I expected to hear. I expected to hear about your childhood or about your time early in the military your like's dislikes and what not.

Well that what I told you, my likes. I just happen to like you. And you know what I think you and I are a lot more alike then you think. We both have problems admitting how we feel about other people. I went out on a limb and told you how I felt now it's your turn

…..I uh….._I can't believe about to say this…._I do like you too. But I don't want a relationship

So just looking for sex eh?

Well uh?...to be honest yes

You know you're actually a normal young guy when you're not ranting and are honest.

So what about you? What is it that you want commander?

I think were beyond formalities now don't you? Call me athrun

So what do we do now? Do we ignore this? I don't want anything serious either…..at least not right now.

Oh really? Well then prove it athrun, show me you're serious.

Oh I'll prove it to you, I walked up to him grab his hand and guided it down my pants to my hard awaiting cock. He still was in shock so I took the opportunity to close the remaining space between us and kissed him roughly.

Now it was my turn to be shocked he suddenly gripped my cock hard and started stroking me. He grabbed the back of my neck pulled my head back and started sucking and biting the base of it.

It was something completely different from the sex I had had in the past I was thrilled to be tiring something different. And I was just as rough in my responses I yanked back his uniform reviling hit fit young body I tasted his chest and bit at his hardened nipples while I clawed at his back and shoulders. I then shoved him down on my bed removed the rest of his uniform paused only a sec to admire this beautiful naked guy on my bed. I then shoved open his legs wide and came up squeezing his balls he yelped in pain as I nipped at the tip of his own well endowed dick then swallowed him whole he wiggled in delight and I kept the rhythm going quizzing all the harder on his balls his hands running through my hair pulling out stands every time I give him a extra hard bolt of pain.

Oh god how good athrun was he timed the pain perfectly with pleasure I shot one long deep load into his mouth and onto his face. I couldn't help but let one of my cocky little smirks show on my face when he coughed a little trying swallowing my load. I shoved him on his back and kissed him biting his lips drawing a bitter cooper blood I was started to truly enjoy and took his rock hard cock and tried to bend it half he cried out in pain I let him go and worked down him to his balls I took them in my mouth and bit down hard.

I then let them go and proceeded to take him in my mouth, he cried in pain as I increased my pace on his extremely soar member. He shot a very thick sticky load of cum in my through. I couldn't breath with all his cum running down my throat, he laughed at my misfortune and I actually got a little mad and decided to get even I leaned him up a little and threw my cock into his tight young ass

I screamed in pain when he forced his way into me. He gave me no quarter he didn't stop and let me recover he just kept thrusting away harder and faster I could feel he had ripped me but the feeling of him hitting my prostate was fantastic. Finally he arched deep and let out a sigh as he let go another load of his precious bodily fluids.

He pulled out and stood up and was going to walk away thinking he had broken me. I certainly could allow that, I kick the back of his knee he fell down I fell down onto the floor with him and was swearing at me in his usual way he kicked me back and I ended up breaking one of his toes. So as I had his legs wrapped around my neck as I returned his brutal fucking I happily twisted the broken toe ending up forcing the bone through his skin. He screamed in pain, I couldn't help but let my self cum when his voice crackled and toped out. I collapsed on top of him both of us panting heavily, and morning from the pleasure and pain we have caused each other.

I realized something about athrun that day, he could not only take anything you could dish out he gave it back 10 fold. I also realized that if he cared abut you that he would do anything for you, endure the weight of the world on his shoulder to make you happy. He finally got up and drugs me to the shower and left me to clean up. We both clean our selves up in silence. Just before I left his room he said to me just one thing. He told me he wanted to do this again but it must remain our secret. We have to keep up our act as though this never happened. I nodded and left him in his room alone.

Shinn and I met regularly from that day on. Although not always as rough. And the more I was with him the more I realized the ones I wanted to be with wasn't him it was cagalli, kira, and laycus. In the end I ended up leaving and rejoining the archangel, All the while I made me escape in my stolen mobile suit I could hear the distress in shinn's voice. I had known for some time he had fallen completely in love with me. Yet there was nothing in me that loved him with the passion of the burning love he felt. My heart sank that I had hurt him. He took out his aggression on kira from that day forth blaming him for my leaving. No one understood his irrational hate of kira, but I understood why. To this day I feel the twitch of sorrow when I think of him and kira fighting. Both of them meant so much to me just in different ways. However I have to live with the decision I made in my life, and would change the time I spent with him for the world

Well what did you think? Was it to your linking? Like I said I don't feel the same true love that athrun and kira share. I decided not to follow the same kind of love instead I let there love hate relations from the show bleed through to there love life. Comments welcome hope you come read my new fics in the future and browse through the one I have already written and posted already.


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